sigh. ilvs, not everything is a vagina. oh wait, i stand corrected.

whilst i was poking around in the dimly lit far NW corner of the basement the other day, looking for acceptable paint shade options, i chanced upon a slightly yellowing, large sheet of parchment, curled up and resting in a plastic waste receptacle that some former tenet used as a storage capsule. 'perhaps it is a treasure map!,' my Fresh From Hulu-ing Garfield's Halloween Adventure Circa 1985 Wherein Garfield And Odie Dress Up As Pirates mind ventured to guess. there was only one way to tell. well, one way that made sense that didn't involve back stalking all previous owners of the duplex and questioning them about this all but forgotten artifact.

and so began the careful process of unrolling this papyrus gem. slowly, a simplistic thick black ink line drawing of the face of a koala bear revealed itself to me. 'oh how completely charming and totally uninteresting! oh how i casually observe how not a single emotional response is elicited from this sweet bear face that is not a bear at all but in fact a marsupial!'

speaking of koalas, they make some crazy unexpected sounds (click on this link - once you've finished reading the entirety of this blog entry, of course: ). ok, you know the sound the TREX makes in Jurassic Park? that's actually the sound you hear when you put a mic up to the cute grey face of a koala bear during mating season. seriously ( similarities could be drawn to a certain dude friend of mine's 'sawing of logs', a nocturnal sonic phenomenon i experienced first hand on the Deliriously Unforgettable Due To Me Being Totally Awake The Whole Time night i spent in a dark yurt with him, an ex friend, a lover, a dog, and 2 other friends, one of whom is the dude's wife who is apparently gonna sleep right on thru the apocalypse, i swear.

their little audio idiosyncrasy effectively plunks those furry little koala buddies down on the list of reasons To Never Go To Australia, right up there with CANE TOADS, DROUGHT, and. . . well, ok, it's a short list. wait - i should be clarify. it's only the dude koalas that have the secondary pair of humungous 'vocal folds' at the back end of their adorable little mouths that they use to make the uncharacteristically deep sounds to attract le femme koalas. apparently it works, cuz, well, koalas are still around. looks like dude friend's wife's gonna have some company on the morning post-apocalypse in the form of a colony of bright eyed, stubby tailed lady koalas. huzzah!

but, i digress. . . where was i? 

ah yes, but wait - this discarded work of art was only 1/2, nay, 1/3 of the way rolled out! lest i leave myself in tortuous, interminable suspense, i continued, with fevered anticipation, to unroll the scroll. soon so soon it became apparent that my earlier assumption had a bit hasty, and i was not dealing with a koala bear at all but was about to come face to face with an entirely different beast from Down Under. 

while my upright/mammalian/cognizant brain was slow to comprehend, my lizard brain was quick to light up with bells and whistles, taking over the driver's seat for a sec and steering my hands to rotate in planar space 180 degrees so that it made clear that what at first glance looked to be a spirited contour drawing interpretation of a well known marsupial, was in fact, a spirited contour drawing interpretation of a vagina. a giant one at that. a vagiant. 

treasure map indeed!!! dear roommate, please purchase a 24"x33 1/4" frame on your way home today.

roommate: why?

me: to frame a glorious work of art that shall be hung above our dining room table.

roommate: what's it of?

me: you're welcome.